I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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