While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
