The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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