I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm getting married
To pizza
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
