I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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