i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
