So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
