Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
