I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
