Define "chronic" masturbator.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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