Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
