proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
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