forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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