Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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