it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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