that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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