so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
