I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just cut my nipple shaving
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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