Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize