Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
