I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
