I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
