wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he fucked my hip out of place.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
