I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
