Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she smelled like a LAN party
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
