i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize