The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
