Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
