Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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