Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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