she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
