ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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