Banned from zoo.
Again?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
