the condom got lost in my hair
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
