Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
There's always time for handjobs
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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