my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
