Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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