I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
