i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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