White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm like, not good at living.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
