She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
