I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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