john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
