I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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