i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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