i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
