I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
