I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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