I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
