if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Randomize