mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
