btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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