Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
