you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize