I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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