Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
