We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
