I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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