I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He kissed a someone with a penis
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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