Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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