Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
