I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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